Sex and Marriage Humor
I'm not taking sides on this one either. Just look for the humor and nothing else.
Why aren't you married yet Literature Battle of the Sexes A guy dials his home phone A farmer and his wife
Marriage Wisdom If Men Got Pregnant... Creation of Eve New Element for the Periodic Table
25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question
"Why aren't you married yet?"
- You haven't asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great sex life?
- Nobody would believe me in white.
- Because I just love hearing this question.
- Just lucky, I guess.
- It gives my mother something to live for.
- My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
- I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
- Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
- I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
- It didn't seem worth a blood test.
- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
- Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
- My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
- I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
- They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
- I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
- I guess it just proves that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
- What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
- We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
- I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
- Why aren't you thin?
- I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
- (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Literature Battle of the Sexes
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
English 44A SMU Creative Writing
Prof Miller In-class Assignment for WednesdayToday we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris
to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
To Top
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
Marriage Wisdom
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- -Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering- -Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.- -When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
- -My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
- -A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
- -A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
- -The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
- -Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- -How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- -A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
- -A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
- -A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
- -Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
- -The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- -Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
- -Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
- -Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
- -Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!- -First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."- -Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
If Men Got Pregnant...
- Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay
- There would be a cure for stretch marks
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem
- All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
- Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment
- They wouldn't think twins were so cute
- Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
- Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
- Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
- They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
- Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
- Women would rule the world
Creation of Eve
God noticed that Adam was lonely. He asked Adam what he would like as a companion. Adam replied that he wanted a female who would happily wait on him hand-and-foot, would never complain, would have sex whenever he wished, would cook all his meals when he decided he was hungry, would generally do all the little chores that he wanted her to do, and, in short, would be his love slave.
God smiled at Adam and said "Son, that would cost you an arm and a leg."
"Okay," Adam stated, "What can I get for a rib?"
New Element for the Periodic Table
Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities are located in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in powder or painted film
2. Boils at any temperature; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly if saturated with alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state
2. Turns green when placed near a better specimen
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Normally illegal to process more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
