Tavern Related Humor
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
GREAT BEER THOUGHTSYou can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second. Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course"
The second man can't help himself so he asks,"What school did you go too?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer
his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, "Look out!"The drunk raised his head and asked, "Why? You gonna back up?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the
address and gives it to him.The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and
manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and
practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy
falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door."Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his wheelchair?"
A guy was in a bar munching on some peanuts. when all of a sudden he heard, "NICE TIE" he was surprised because when he looked around there was no one there. so he kept on munching his peanuts. when again he heard, "GREAT SUIT!!"" again no one was there. so while finishing up
the peanuts he heard "NICE Butt!!! This time he asked the bartender what was going on??? since there was no one around.The bartender asked if he had been eating the peanuts? of course he had been. then that explains it, said the bartender.........
"Those are COMPLIMENTARY peanuts!!!!!!!!"
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, ILIf you can piss this high, join the fire department.
On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.
* O'Ryan's -Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her nagging.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Pheonix, AZ.You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA
THE BAR BET A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I can pee farther than anyone else".
"Yeah" the bartender says.
"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.
"Yeah right" the bartender says.
"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.
"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance to make some easy money. So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away. Then the guy whips out it out and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.
The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender.
The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?"
Then the guy says "Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but that you'd be smiling!"
finally...the justification we have all been searching for...Justification:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the fellow sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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